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Posted by Terrence Cooter on 10/01/05 07:42
Vote for these people tomorrow.
Matthew Moulton: KOOK of the MONTH Every month special recognition is given to
someone whose Usenet Kookery is judged to have surpassed all others. This is
the Kook of the Month Award (KotM), voted (somewhat informally) by the
denizens of AUK.
WFB/TJ: CLUELESS NEWBIE of the MONTH Similar to KotM, but reserved only for
the most highly clueless and incorrigible newbies of Usenet. The Clueless
Newbie of the Month (CNotM) is pretty much the same sort of thing as the KotM,
but honors spectacular cluelessness on Usenet rather than Kookery. Actually
being a newbie is not a strict requirement for eligibility; but the type of
cluelessness being recognized needs to be of the sort typical of newbies. If
someone has been on the net for some time and still acts like a newbie,
they're eligible.
Dave Hillstrom: COWARD of the MONTH Goes to the biggest yellow bastard of the
month on Usenet. The CotM has aslo been known as the "Brad Jesness" award.
Sycho: GOLDEN KILLFILE Given to the most killfile worthy net.kooks on the face
of Usenet. This award recognizes exceptional killfilable merit; if you are
unworthy enough to be ignored by everyone on the face of the earth, you are
eligible for this award.
Matthew Moulton: VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN "WEIRD SCIENCE" AWARD Given to those
inspired, pioneering visionaries and their worthy inventions, institutions and
prides-of-joys, who have reasoned it out, who KNOW The Answer, that would know
how to use it to make for a better humanity....if only somebody would listen
to them.
Matthew Moulton: KOOK of the YEAR A just reward for the best KotM of the year.
-- Internet Awards --
Kadaitcha Man: LOONEY MAROON AWARD For the greatest net.loon of the month,
including but not limited to KotM candidates. Formerly given by
reverse-acclaim, executive designation and outright acclamation, now reserved
solely for the wild whims of the AUK populace. This award is generally given
to the least comprehensible candidates.
Spanky the Thunder Chicken: PALMJOB PADDLE Named for the most-spanked person
in the history of the Internet, Wilhelm Palmer (Bill Palmer, aka "Palmjob").
The self-styled Flame Giant, who has never won a single flamewar in his
existence. This award is given to the person who gets spanked (as in,
thrashed) the most in a given month, be it by their opponents or even their
own hand.
Terrence Cooter: HAMMER of THOR Awarded on an as-needed basis for exceptional
feats of LART strength.
-- Lifetime Achievement --
Kadaitcha Man: BOBO AWARD Given to they who rise above and beyond the call of
net.looniness, the Bobo is reserved for those whose sheer quest at whatever it
is they're pursuing knows Absolutely No Bounds, crossing the lines of legal
dispute, losing everything in particular, even death. Several Bobo honorees
are, in fact, deceased. Think of it as the Internet's version of the Darwin
Award.
PJR: BUSTED URINAL AWARD The reward for the Lamest of the Lame on the
Internet. One who clogs and stinks up the joint like a busted urinal, you
could say.
Matthew Moulton: UNABOMBER SURPRISE A fitting presentation to those most
gifted with the Long Wind, they who have the unique talent of saying in a
million words that which could have been said in one.
ThePsyko: BOLO BULLIS "FOAM DUCK" PRIZE The spoonerism for "dumb fuck", for
those who've lost more marbles than a Chinese Checker factory will ever make.
Given in form of reversed reverse-acclamation.
BUZZARD: TAR & FEATHERS Reserved solely for the Terminally Clueless on the
net, those most highly incorrigible past all hope crusaders who in another
time and reality would've been tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on
a rail. Preferably one with a bridge out. Over a canyon.
-- Samaritan Awards --
Terrence Cooter: GENE SPAFFORD "USENET SAMARITAN" AWARD Not counted as a Kook
award, but given to whoever shows the greatest helpfulness towards Usenet in
any given lifetime.
Terrence Cooter: JIM NITCHALS "INTERNET SAMARITAN" AWARD The netwide version
of the Spaffie, named in memory of the man who showed the civilized side of\
spamfighting.
-- Memorial Awards --
Kadaitcha Man: EARL GORDON CURLEY MEMORIAL AWARD Commonly referred to as the
Curley Award, it is used to commemorate those most emulative of Earl Curley, a
substance-abusing incoherent crook with delusions of godhead with a penchant
for censoring all possible opposing viewpoints notwithstanding the highly
strange ones he himself held. This once proud KotM alumnus mastered in the art
of sock puppetry, participated in mildly amusing but mostly painful websites
and had an unerring ability towards self-destructive behavior to get back at
his opponents. It is called Curley's MEMORIAL Award because he is quite
literally very Dead, the end result of his exhilarting rise in net.kookery.
Or, as the newsmedia put it simply, "died suddenly". As the only one who's
gone this far above and beyond the call of net.kookery, he deserves an award
in his honor, for aspiring net.loons everywhere.
Sean Monaghan: GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER "KICKED @$$" AWARD Given to those
brave, inspiring crusaders who will keep up a lost lunatic cause despite all
odds, even after the enemy has won, set up their own superpower in their midst
and are chugging Guinness in a Kook-free world scenario.
Matthew Moulton: KENNY McCORMICK MEMORIAL MEDAL Named after the famed South
Park boy wonder, this medal is given to they who lose 5 or more Internet
accounts as a result of their net.kookery, but keep coming back for more, to
be killed off again and again and again.
Woodchuck Bill: GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY For that which does the
greatest impression of Pickett's Charge in any given month.
Matthew Moulton: DOUGLAS E. MACKALL MEMORIAL MACE Named for the dearly
departed denizen of AUK whose vision of net.loon-free Usenet posting freedom
helped make AUK the place it is today. Given to that which has proven itself
most worthy of being ignored by every ISP abuse department on the face of the
net.
The anal pineapple was not on the list, but that nomination goes to Pinku
Sensei.
--
Terrence Cooter
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