So You Want To Sell Stuff....?

On your behalf, because I like you so very much, whoever you are or thought you COULD be, I have taken it upon myself to collect, consolidate, and consecrate the greatest marketing principles EVER conceived of, tested, written down, and usually made available ONLY at great expense. And give them to ya.

You will never have to read another newsletter, another ezine, another business article, another pompously worded Wall Street Journal dissertation, another email. Another anything. It's all here. In less than 500 words, and most of THEM are unnecessary. You are a very lucky person. Pay attention.

#1 Choosing your Stuff: This should be critical, but isn't. People buy all kinds of crap. Actually, most of what people buy is crap. Make this decision LAST.

#2 Customer Info Collection: Don't. Chances are great you wouldn't like them if you knew them. And depending on what you choose to sell, you don't WANT to find out who they are. They could easily turn out to be your neighbors. Or your wife. Collect no info. Ever.

#3 Advertising: Use Spam. Everyone hates it. Remember, there is no such thing as bad publicity. For your introductory line -- the one that'll appear in the email -- say "THIS IS SPAM AND HAS LOTS OF VIRUSES IN IT. DON'T OPEN." I guarantee you will get more views than you could using any other line. There is a reason for this, but it has to do with some very ugly psychology. You don't want to know.

#4 Pricing: Charge $19.93.567. That is not a typo. It demonstrates how remarkably well you have thought through the process. Clearly, you have the most exacting pricing formulae in the business. With this price, you also can indicate that YOU are CHEAPER than "$19.95", thereby getting the value OF that ubiquitous number and still distinguishing yourself.

#5 Guarantees/Refunds: Guarantee everything you possibly can. Heck, guarantee the guarantees. That should look neat. You're not going to be around long enough to make good, even if you wanted to. Offer a 200% refund if not totally satisfied. Make it 400%. Don't indicate WHO has to be dissatisfied.

#6 Updates/Improvements/New Features: If applicable, or even if not, offer "free updates, etc." When you give them, charge for them. You'd be surprised how many people will pay for them. If they do pay for them, send them a note telling them you undercharged them. Leave it to their consciences if they don't want to pay the difference. Talk about your troubled childhood. Be HONEST.

#7 Testimonials: This is why God allows for multiple AOL IM names. Use them.

#8 Payment Methods: Cash only. Remind your customers that no records are being kept, for their own tax benefit. You don't really need to mention the other benefits, which include your own inventory costs.

#9 Follow-up/Customer Satisfaction Surveys: I think not.

There is no need for a "Point 10." Never has been.

Using these principles, I have successfully marketed an article on same.

I am not lying.

© 2002 RWPladek/BillAllen
http://mydeas.com

About the Author

Bob Pladek actually attended, graduated from, and secured a good position as a result of law school. Not a big enough liar to make it to retirement, he does what he always did: speak his mind, however little he has to say. Only now he doesn't get paid much for it.

outbroker@comcast.net
http://www.mydeas.com